Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Sold!

Some radio ads attract the wrong kind of attention:

"The explosive action of Wanted comes to Blu-Ray hi-def with perfect picture and perfect sound."
And a terrible script, but at least it's all loud and pretty.

"Critics call Wanted the most visually inventive, trailblazing film of its kind."
And that kind is "movies that suck."

"Angelina Jolie has never looked hotter."
She's made a hundred million dollars trading on her looks, so I doubt she minds, but essentially calling her a piece of meat in the ad copy is a little much.

Speaking of her looks, note how disturbingly thin her arm is in that airbrushed poster art. She doesn't look like that in real life, nor should anyone want to.

"James McAvoy simply rocks."
The next person who buys a movie because James McAvoy is in it will be the first. Hats off to his agent for getting this line in there.

"And Morgan Freeman elevates Wanted to the next level."
And that level is "otherwise forgettable Morgan Freeman vehicle."

"Discover the true origins of the Fraternity with an all-new alternate opening only on Blu-Ray."
If it's an alternate opening, doesn't that mean it's a different take that you filmed but chose not to include in the canonical movie, but are including as an inducement to buy the home version? If so, how can that be considered the true origins? I guess if the theatrical opening doesn't speak to the origins, it could be. Arguably. Either way, I find this line distracting and annoying (much like the other lines). Grade: C-.

"Plus, create your own video commentary to watch with the movie and send to your friends."
Technologically interesting, but I don't know which is less likely: my buying this movie, my creating my own video commentary, or my mustering the sheer balls to send that commentary to my friends and suggest that they watch it. Actually, they are all equally likely, with a probability of zero.

It's vain enough that I continue to pound away at this blog in the hope that my friends might occasionally check it out. Shockingly, they actually do. At least they can read it while they're bored at work. I would never be so presumptuous as to think they'd devote their weekend couch time to my commentary on a silly action movie.

Who would possibly do this commentary thing, either the recording or the watching? Is this aimed at 12-year-old kids? I'm not even trying to be rude (this paragraph, anyway), I'm seriously baffled at who would have any interest in this.

Also, if I thought I were that good a writer, I'd move to Santa Monica and bang out scripts for half a million per, I wouldn't send them to my friends. Eliot Spitzer's whore didn't give it away for free and neither would I. Even if my commentary were snide and sarcastic, MST3K's already been there and done that.

"Wanted. Rated R. Own it now on 2 disc Blu-Ray hi-def for the perfect hi-def movie experience."
Wait, wait, wait. Did you say it was on Blu-Ray?

Also, I love the way movie studios use the word "own" when they mean "buy." We've cracked your code, Hollywood. You had us for a few years but now we know what you mean.

Of course, I haven't actually seen the movie, so maybe it's great, though I don't recall too many critics or fans feeling that way. All I'm saying is, the ad is convincing me not to check it out.

Apparently Wanted was a pretty good graphic novel. If anything, I'd look for that.

With this installment of my half-baked opinions, I'm Andy Rooney. Good night!

4 comments:

Martin said...

Hey, speak for yourself. My commentary of Cannonball Run is considered a classic in some quarters.

And to be fair, Atonement fans are highly responsive to the word "rocks."

Genius post all around.

Jason Weiss said...

Fascinating. I heard this same spot yesterday and had almost identical reactions to each line. But I've actually sat through it.

DO NOT see this movie. I paid to see it in the theater, and honestly made me consider exiting the industry altogether. Almost every aspect of it is truly awful. Especially the fact that it made $341M at the worldwide box office.

judy said...

stick to trailer commentary--movie commentary is just too ambitious.

- said...

Awesome post.